By Luke Mihail - Lumi Counselling, Geelong
"Put your shoes on, please."
Five minutes later, the shoes are still sitting by the front door. "Mate, I've asked you already. Can you please put your shoes on?"
Nothing. By the fourth or fifth time, you're yelling, your child is complaining, and somehow you're now running ten minutes late because of a pair of shoes.
Sound familiar?
One of the biggest frustrations parents have is feeling like their children simply don't listen. Whether it's getting ready for school, turning off the PlayStation, doing chores or getting into bed, everything seems to require constant reminders, negotiations and eventually a raised voice. And the really frustrating part? Your child seems perfectly capable of hearing you when you mention ice cream or ask if they want to go to the park.
So why won't they listen when you actually need them to?
There isn't one simple answer. Sometimes it's distraction, sometimes it's difficulty changing activities, and sometimes children have simply learnt that Mum or Dad doesn't really mean business until the fifth reminder. Here are six practical things you can try at home.
1. stop giving instructions from the other side of the house.
We've all done it. You're in the kitchen making dinner, your child is in the lounge room, and you call out for them to come and set the table. No response. So you call out again, only louder.
The problem is that hearing an instruction and actually taking it in are two different things. Children can become completely absorbed in what they're doing, particularly when they're gaming, watching television or playing with something they enjoy. For children who struggle with attention or moving between activities, this can be even harder.
Rather than shouting from another room, try walking over to your child. Say their name, get their attention and give them the instruction directly.
Try this: "Hey mate, dinner's nearly ready. I need you to come and set the table." Then give them a moment to respond. You don't need to demand eye contact or deliver a speech. Just make sure you've actually got their attention before expecting them to do something.
2. make your instructions clear and simple.
"Go and get ready!"
It's something most parents say regularly, particularly during the morning rush. But have you ever stopped to think about what that actually means to a child? Get dressed? Brush teeth? Find shoes? Pack school bag? Make the bed? Where do they start?
What seems like one simple instruction to us might actually involve five or six different tasks. Some children can organise those steps independently. Others struggle to work out what comes first, become distracted halfway through or simply feel overwhelmed by everything they've been asked to do.
Try this: Instead of "Go and get ready," say, "Go and put your school uniform on. Come and see me when you're done." Once they've completed that, move to the next task. As they become more independent, you can gradually expect them to manage more steps themselves.
And if your child is regularly forgetting what you've asked, consider whether they're actually struggling to remember and organise the instructions rather than assuming they're deliberately ignoring you.
3. give them some warning before changing activities.
Imagine you're halfway through watching the footy and someone walks into the room, turns off the television and tells you it's time to do something else. You probably wouldn't be thrilled.
Yet we sometimes expect our kids to stop whatever they're doing immediately, regardless of how involved they are. For children, particularly younger kids, moving from something enjoyable to something they don't particularly want to do can be difficult. And when that change comes without warning, resistance shouldn't be all that surprising.
Try this: If you know dinner is in ten minutes, tell them. "Ten more minutes on Minecraft, then we're coming to the table." Give them another reminder when there's a couple of minutes left. If your child struggles with time, use a timer they can see.
The important part is following through when the time is up. Otherwise, ten minutes turns into twenty, then thirty, and you're back to arguing. A little preparation can make a big difference, especially when it comes to screen time, bedtime and leaving the house.
4. don't make everything a negotiation.
"Do you want to have a shower?" "No." "Well, you need to." "But I don't want to!"
And suddenly you're having a ten-minute argument about something that wasn't actually optional.
Sometimes, in our efforts to be gentle and respectful, we accidentally give our children the impression that everyday expectations are open for debate. There's nothing wrong with offering children choices. In fact, it's important that they have opportunities to make decisions and develop independence. But there's a difference between offering a genuine choice and asking permission for something that needs to happen.
Try this: Instead of asking whether they want to have a shower, say, "It's shower time. Do you want to go now or in five minutes?" They still get some choice, but you've made the expectation clear.
And if they say they don't want either option, you don't have to get drawn into a lengthy debate. A simple, "I know you'd rather keep playing. It's still shower time," is often enough. Children can disagree with a boundary without that boundary needing to change.
5. stop waiting until you're angry to follow through.
This is a big one. Think about how many times you ask your child to do something before you actually follow through. Once? Twice? Five times?
If the first four requests don't really mean anything, children can become accustomed to waiting until you sound genuinely frustrated before taking action. Inadvertently, we've taught them that the instruction only matters once Mum or Dad starts getting angry. And that's a pretty exhausting way to parent.
The solution isn't to become stricter or start handing out bigger punishments. It's to become more consistent.
Try this: If you've asked your child to put their shoes on, make sure they heard and understood you, then give them a reasonable chance to do it. If nothing happens, go back to them and calmly follow through. That might mean helping them get started, staying nearby while they finish or reminding them of an appropriate consequence you've already explained.
What you want to avoid is repeating the same instruction another six times while getting progressively louder. Your child needs to learn that your normal voice matters just as much as your angry one.
6. notice when they actually do listen.
When you're constantly dealing with children who don't listen, it's easy to become focused on everything they're doing wrong. You notice when they ignore you, talk back, argue or refuse to do something. Meanwhile, the times they actually cooperate barely get a mention.
And I get it. When your child finally does what you've asked, you're probably just relieved that it's done. But children need to know when they're getting things right too.
Try this: If your child puts their shoes on the first time you ask, acknowledge it. "Thanks mate, that was a big help." If they turn off their game without arguing, let them know you noticed.
It doesn't need to be a huge celebration, and you certainly don't need to bribe children into doing everyday tasks. A little genuine encouragement helps reinforce the behaviour you want to see more often. It also means your conversations aren't constantly about what your child hasn't done.
Sometimes improving cooperation begins with making sure we're giving just as much attention to the things going well.
so, what if my child still won't listen?
Firstly, don't expect to change years of habits in a couple of days. If you've spent the past three years asking your child six times to brush their teeth, that pattern probably isn't going to disappear overnight.
Choose one part of the day that regularly causes problems. Maybe it's getting ready for school, turning off screens or the bedtime routine. Focus on changing how you respond during that one part of the day before tackling everything else.
It's also worth remembering that children don't always ignore instructions because they're being defiant. Sometimes there are difficulties with attention, language processing, anxiety, emotional regulation or understanding what's expected of them. If your child consistently struggles to follow simple instructions across different settings, it may be worth exploring whether there's something else going on.
And finally, remember that listening goes both ways. Children are more likely to cooperate when they feel heard, understood and connected to the adults around them. That doesn't mean agreeing with everything they say or abandoning boundaries. It means making sure your relationship isn't built entirely around instructions, corrections and consequences.
There will still be arguments. There will still be mornings when someone's shoes have mysteriously disappeared, and there will probably still be moments when you lose your patience. But if every request in your house feels like a battle, something needs to change.
need some help with your child's behaviour?
At lumi counselling in Geelong, I work with children, teenagers and parents who are finding everyday family life increasingly difficult. Whether it's children who don't listen, constant arguing, emotional outbursts or simply feeling like nothing you try is working, we can look at what's happening and find some practical ways forward.
And sometimes, the best place to start isn't counselling for your child. It's working with you as the parent to understand the patterns that have developed at home and what you can do differently.
If you're feeling stuck, you're welcome to book a free meet & greet. I'd be happy to hear what's happening in your family and talk about how I might be able to help.
