the day a young person stops telling you things
By Luke Mihail, Lumi Counselling - Geelong
There is a point where some young people stop telling adults what is really going on. It rarely happens all at once. They still talk about school, sport, dinner, friends and what happened during the day. From the outside, everything can look completely normal. But somewhere along the way, they stop sharing the important stuff.
They stop telling us when someone has hurt them. They stop telling us when they feel embarrassed, scared or completely out of their depth. They stop talking about the friendship that is falling apart, the mistake they regret, the thoughts keeping them awake at night or the part of themselves they are worried an adult will not understand. Parents might not realise it has happened until much later. Teachers, youth workers, counsellors and other professionals can miss it too, particularly when the young person is still showing up, still getting through the day and still saying, “I'm fine.”
Young people learn very quickly what happens when they tell us the truth
A teenager tells a parent they failed a test and immediately hears, “Well, did you study?” They tell a teacher they cannot cope with a class and hear, “You just need to try.” They tell a youth worker about a problem and the conversation quickly becomes a plan to fix it. They tell someone they hate school and hear, “You have no idea how lucky you are.”
Most of these responses come from a good place. Adults want to help. Parents want to protect. Professionals are often trained to problem-solve. But the young person can hear something very different: “I probably shouldn't have told them.” That sentence matters. If a young person starts to believe that honesty leads to judgement, panic, fixing, consequences or a lecture, they may eventually decide that saying nothing is safer.
Sometimes they need us to know without doing anything yet
This can be uncomfortable for adults. When a young person tells us something difficult, our instinct is often to move quickly. Call the school. Contact Mum or Dad. Give advice. Develop a strategy. Explain what they should do next. Sometimes action is absolutely necessary, but not every disclosure needs to become an intervention within thirty seconds.
Sometimes the response that keeps a young person talking is much simpler. “That sounds rough.” “I can see why that got to you.” “Do you want help with this, or do you just need me to listen for a minute?” Those responses can feel small, but they communicate something important: you can bring difficult things to me and I can handle hearing them. That is true whether you are a parent, teacher, counsellor, coach, youth worker or another trusted adult.
The small conversations are where we earn the big ones
We sometimes imagine that trust is built during the big conversations. More often, it is built in hundreds of small ones. It is built when a young person tells you about some ridiculous drama at school and you do not dismiss it. When they admit they messed something up and you do not immediately explode. When they share an opinion you completely disagree with and you stay curious instead of correcting them. When they tell you something that seems minor and you treat it like it matters because, to them, it does.
Those moments can feel insignificant to an adult. To a young person, they are collecting evidence. Can I tell you things? Can you handle the real version of me? Will you still be in my corner when I have made a mess of something? The answer is shaped by what happens in the small conversations long before the big one arrives.
Be careful when every conversation becomes a lesson
Adults are very good at turning things into teachable moments. A young person complains about a friend and we teach them about healthy relationships. They say they hate school and we teach resilience. They tell us about an argument and we explain what they could have done differently. A young person tells a professional they are struggling and suddenly there are goals, strategies, worksheets and action plans.
Sometimes that is exactly what is needed. Sometimes they just wanted someone to hear them.
Not every conversation needs to improve a young person. Not every uncomfortable feeling needs to be reframed. Not every mistake needs to become a lesson. There are moments when the most useful thing an adult can do is stay in the conversation long enough for the young person to feel understood.
“I'm fine” does not always mean there is nothing to talk about
Young people become very good at giving adults the answer that ends the conversation. “How are things?” “Good.” “How's school?” “Fine.” “Anything you want to talk about?” “Nah.”
That does not automatically mean something is wrong. But if we only create space for honesty when we formally ask for it, we may miss a lot. Some of the most important conversations with young people happen sideways. In the car. Walking somewhere. Playing a game. Shooting hoops. Packing up after a session. Five minutes before they are supposed to leave.
Sometimes the conversation starts when the pressure to have a conversation disappears. For professionals, that can be especially important. Engagement is not always the part before the “real work” begins. Sometimes engagement is the work.
If they have already stopped talking, do not force it
When a young person becomes quiet or guarded, the temptation is to push harder. “What's going on?” “You need to talk to someone.” “Why won't you tell me?” Usually, pressure creates more pressure.
Start smaller. Spend time with them without an obvious agenda. Sit beside them rather than opposite them. Do something together. Allow silence. Stay interested without interrogating them. And when they eventually give you something small, try not to pounce on it. Listen first. There will usually be time for questions, strategies and solutions later.
At Lumi Counselling in Geelong, I work with children and teenagers who often find it much easier to talk when they do not feel pressured to have the perfect words. A big part of my work is helping young people feel safe enough to be honest, while also helping the adults around them understand what makes that honesty more likely.
Because whether we are parents, counsellors, teachers or youth workers, there may come a day when a young person needs to tell an adult something really important. The way we respond to all the smaller things helps decide whether they believe we are someone they can tell.
If you’d like to claim your free Meet & Greet phone call, I am available now! Let’s start the journey together.
