I don’t recognise my child anymore.

By Luke Mihail, Lumi Counselling - Geelong

There are some sentences parents say that stay with me, and this is one of them: I don’t recognise my child anymore.

Sometimes it is said quietly, with tears in a parent’s eyes. Sometimes it comes out in frustration. Sometimes it sounds like guilt. He was never like this. She used to be so happy. I don’t know what happened. Underneath it is usually the same ache: my child seems different, and I don’t know how to reach them.

If that is where you are right now, I want to say this first. You are not failing because you have noticed a change. In fact, noticing it matters. Parents often pick up on shifts long before anyone else does. You may not have a neat explanation or a dramatic incident to point to. You may just know, deep down, that something feels off.

“Everyone else says they’re fine”

A while back I sat with a parent who said, “Everyone else keeps telling me he’s fine. But he’s not fine. He’s angry all the time, he’s shut down with us, and I feel like I’ve lost him.”

That parent was not overreacting. She was paying attention. And that is often where good support begins. Not with panic, and not with labels, but with honest noticing.

Sometimes the change is obvious. A child who used to be chatty becomes quiet. A young person who used to love school suddenly starts dreading it. A child who once coped reasonably well now melts down over small things. Other times it is harder to pin down. They seem flatter, more irritable or more distant. Every conversation turns into a battle. They spend more time alone. They stop enjoying things they used to care about. They tell you they are fine, but they do not seem like themselves.

Don’t rush to explain it

When parents notice these shifts, they often do one of two things. They either panic and jump straight to the worst-case scenario, or they talk themselves out of trusting what they are seeing. Neither response is especially helpful.

The better response is curiosity. Not, what diagnosis is this? but, what might be going on for my child right now?

Behaviour is often the part we see first, but it is not always the whole story. Anger might be covering hurt. Defiance might be covering anxiety. Withdrawal might be covering shame, exhaustion, loneliness or stress. A child who seems rude may actually be overwhelmed. A young person who suddenly “doesn’t care” may care so deeply that shutting down feels safer than trying.

If we only respond to the surface, we can end up fighting the behaviour while missing the need underneath it. That does not mean boundaries no longer matter, and it does not mean every behaviour gets excused. It means understanding the why puts you in a much better position to help.

Start looking for patterns

If your child seems different, start paying attention to patterns. Has something changed at school? Have their friendships become more complicated? Are they more exhausted than usual? Has their sleep shifted? Have they become more sensitive, reactive or avoidant? Are they pulling away from things they used to enjoy? Are there certain times of day when things tend to unravel?

Sometimes the clue is not in one big moment. It is in a series of small shifts that start to paint a picture.

It can also help to notice what happens before the difficult moments. What comes before the anger, the tears, the shutdown or the school refusal? Looking for patterns is not about becoming a detective who interrogates your child. It is about gently noticing what might be making life feel heavier for them.

Resist the urge to fix it straight away

One of the hardest things for parents is resisting the urge to fix. You want your happy, steady child back, so you ask questions, offer solutions, reassure, push and try to pull them out of whatever they seem stuck in.

Sometimes that helps. Often, though, a child who is already overwhelmed experiences all of that as more pressure. They do not always need a fast fix. Sometimes they need a parent who can stay calm enough to make room for what is going on.

That might sound like, “I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed yourself lately.” Or, “You’ve seemed more on edge than usual.” Or, “I don’t want to push, but I want you to know I’ve noticed things have felt hard.”

Small sentences can open big doors. They tell your child: I see you. I’m not here to lecture you. I’m here to understand.

They might not talk when you want them to

If they shrug you off, that does not automatically mean you have failed. A lot of young people do not open up in the moment they are asked. Some talk in the car. Some talk while kicking a footy. Some talk late at night. Some find it easier while gaming, drawing or doing something side by side. Some do not want eye contact when they are trying to say something hard.

Keep the door open and keep showing up. Do not assume that because they did not talk today, they will not talk tomorrow. Sometimes connection grows quietly before you see any evidence of it.

When home gets the hardest version of them

There is something else parents need to hear, especially when home feels tense. If your child falls apart most with you, that does not necessarily mean you are the problem.

Kids and teens can spend a huge amount of energy holding themselves together during the day. They cope, keep up, try to manage themselves and push through school, friendships, expectations and everything else going on around them. Then they get home, and the effort runs out. The emotions they have been holding in all day can spill everywhere.

That does not make the behaviour easy to live with, and it does not mean you simply accept whatever happens. But it can help you see the moment differently. Instead of only asking, “Why are they doing this to us?” you might start asking, “What has it taken for them to hold everything together until now?”

That question changes things.

Know when something more might be going on

Not every difficult patch means something serious is happening. Kids change. Teenagers change. Families move through hard seasons.

But sometimes the shift deserves more attention. I would pay closer attention if the change seems persistent, if it is affecting school or friendships, if your child’s world is getting smaller, or if the level of distress is becoming harder for them to carry.

That might look like consistently withdrawing, becoming increasingly anxious or explosive, refusing school, losing interest in things they once loved, constantly putting themselves down, or simply seeming unlike themselves for an extended period.

If you are in that place, try not to frame getting support as, “Something is wrong with you.” A better message is, “You don’t have to carry this on your own.”

Some young people talk more freely with someone outside the family. Some need tools to manage anxious thoughts, regulate big feelings, rebuild confidence or make sense of things they cannot quite put into words.

You don’t need all the answers

You do not need the perfect explanation before you respond. You do not need to diagnose the change. You do not need to win every battle.

What helps most is staying steady enough to be curious. Notice the shift. Trust your gut. Look underneath the behaviour. Keep the relationship bigger than the problem.

Because sometimes when a parent says, “I don’t recognise my child anymore,” what they are really saying is, “I miss them, and I want to find my way back to them.”

That is a good place to start. Not with shame. Not with blame. With calm, honest curiosity and a willingness to keep showing up.

At Lumi Counselling, I work with children, teenagers and families when things feel off, heavy, or harder than they should be. If your child seems angry, withdrawn, anxious, overwhelmed, or just not themselves, counselling can give them a safe place to be understood and supported.

If you would like to explore whether Lumi might be a good fit, you can book a free meet and greet here.