why won’t my kid talk to me?

By Luke Mihail, Lumi Counselling - Geelong


You can tell something is wrong. They are quieter than usual, short with everyone or spending more time alone. You ask what happened and get the same answer: “Nothing” or “I don’t know.”

For parents, this can feel frustrating and worrying. You want to help, but every question seems to make them shut down even more. Their silence does not necessarily mean they do not trust you. Often, they are still trying to understand what they are feeling themselves.

“I don’t know” can mean many things

Your child might not have the words, may feel embarrassed or might be worried about how you will respond. “I don’t know” can also mean, “There is too much happening in my head,” “I don’t know where to begin,” or “I am not ready to talk about it yet.”

Children often experience emotions before they can explain them. They may feel angry, anxious, heavy or overwhelmed without fully understanding why. Pushing for an immediate answer can make the feeling even harder to untangle.

Too many questions can feel like pressure

Parents usually ask questions because they care. But when a child is already overwhelmed, repeated questions can begin to feel like an interrogation.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” several times, try making a simple observation:

“You seem quieter than usual tonight.”

Then leave some space. You can also let them know:

“You don’t have to tell me right now. I’m here when you’re ready.”

This keeps the door open without forcing them through it.

Children do not always talk best face-to-face

Some children find serious sit-down conversations intense. They may open up more naturally while driving, walking, drawing, playing a game or shooting hoops.

Side-by-side conversations reduce pressure. There is less eye contact and less of a feeling that they need to produce the right answer. A casual conversation during an activity can sometimes reveal far more than a formal emotional check-in.

Listen before trying to fix it

When your child does begin talking, it can be tempting to immediately offer advice. You want to solve the friendship issue, contact the school or explain what they should do next.

Before jumping in, ask:

“Do you want help solving this, or do you just need me to listen?”

Sometimes the most useful response is simply:

“That sounds really hard. Thank you for telling me.”

Feeling understood often helps a child work out what they need next.

Keep building connection

Children are more likely to open up when they feel safe, not pressured. That safety is often built through everyday moments: laughing together, watching something they enjoy, sharing food or spending time together without turning it into a lesson.

Your child’s silence is not always rejection. It may be confusion, emotional overload or difficulty finding the words.

Lower the pressure. Keep the door open. Listen when the small openings come.

Sometimes families need a different space where everyone can slow down and communicate more clearly.

The Family Reset at Lumi gives families practical support to reduce conflict, improve communication and strengthen connection.

Less conflict. Better communication. Stronger connection. 🧡