why is my kid so good for everyone else… but me?

By Luke Mihail, Lumi Counselling

Their teacher says they are polite. Their friend’s parents say they are a delight. Nan and Pop tell you they were no trouble at all. Then they get home, you ask them to put their shoes away, and suddenly you are in a full argument. They snap at you, ignore you, roll their eyes or speak to you in a way they would never speak to another adult.

It is hard not to take that personally. A lot of parents tell me some version of the same thing: “Why do I get the worst of them?” You are the one doing the school runs, making dinner, organising appointments, remembering everything and trying to keep the whole house moving. Yet somehow, you are also the person getting the attitude.

Sometimes, children hold themselves together all day and let everything out when they get home. School takes effort. Following instructions, managing friendships, coping with noise and keeping emotions under control all take effort. By the time they walk through the front door, they may have very little left. Home feels safe, so the walls come down.

That may explain the behaviour, but it does not mean you have to accept being treated badly. Your child is allowed to feel tired, angry, overwhelmed or frustrated. They are not allowed to speak to you however they like. Both things can be true at the same time.

Here are a few practical things you can try:

1. Give them a landing period

Try not to hit them with questions, jobs and instructions the second they walk through the door. Give them ten or fifteen minutes to have a snack, change clothes, sit quietly or do something they enjoy. You can still have expectations. You are just being smarter about when you place them.

Instead of saying, “Put your bag away, empty your lunchbox and start your homework,” try, “Have a snack and take ten minutes, then we will sort your bag out.” That small pause can sometimes prevent the argument before it starts.

2. Use fewer words

When children are already worked up, long explanations usually make things worse. Parents often start explaining, defending and repeating themselves, while the child argues back. Suddenly, everyone is stuck in a twenty-minute debate about putting one plate in the sink.

Keep it short. “Shoes away, please.” “I can see you are annoyed. It still needs to happen.” “I am happy to talk when you are speaking respectfully.” You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.

3. Do not match their volume

This is hard, especially when you already feel disrespected. But when they get louder and you get louder, the issue quickly stops being about the original request. Now everyone is trying to win.

Lowering your voice can actually give you more authority. You might say, “Try that again,” or, “You can be angry, but you cannot speak to me like that.” Calm does not mean weak. It means you are not handing your child control of the emotional temperature in the room.

4. Be clear about what respect looks like

Telling a child to “be respectful” can be too vague. Spell it out. In your home, respect might mean no name-calling, no swearing at people, no shouting in someone’s face and listening when someone else is speaking.

You might say, “You can disagree. You can be upset. You can ask for space. You cannot call people names.” That gives them something clear to work with, rather than expecting them to somehow know exactly what you mean.

5. Give them a chance to try again

Children will get it wrong. The goal is not perfection. The goal is helping them practise a better response.

When they snap at you, try saying, “I am going to give you another go at that,” or, “Tell me that again without the attitude.” This gives them a chance to repair the moment without turning every poor response into a huge consequence.

6. Notice the respectful moments too

When most interactions feel hard, it is easy to only speak up when something goes wrong. Try noticing the moments when they do respond well.

A simple, “Thanks for doing that without arguing,” or, “I noticed you were frustrated, but you still spoke calmly,” tells them exactly what you want to see more of. It is not about overpraising them. It is about making the positive behaviour visible.

7. Follow through without the lecture

If you set a boundary, try to follow through calmly. Do not threaten consequences you know you will not use, and do not create a punishment so big that you end up backing down later.

Keep consequences simple, realistic and connected to what happened. If they refuse to turn off a game, they may lose some game time later. If they throw something, they help clean it up. If they speak disrespectfully, the conversation pauses until they can try again. The consequence matters less than your consistency.

8. Look underneath the behaviour

Ask yourself what might be feeding the pattern. Are they exhausted after school? Hungry? Anxious? Overloaded? Struggling with friendships? Holding everything in all day?

Understanding what is underneath the behaviour does not excuse it. It helps you respond more effectively. A child who is overwhelmed may need something different from a child who is simply testing whether you will follow through.

You do not have to choose between being warm and having boundaries. Children need both. They need home to be a place where they can have hard days and be honest about how they feel, but they also need to know that everyone in the family deserves to be treated with respect, including you.

So if your child seems wonderful for everyone else and saves all the hard stuff for home, you are not alone. It does not mean you are failing, and it does not mean they do not care about you. It may simply mean the pattern at home needs some support, clearer boundaries and a few new tools.

If you need someone else in your corner, reach out to me today.