when parenting starts feeling like guesswork
By Luke Mihail - Lumi Counselling, Geelong
There should probably be a warning label on parenting: “Just when you think you’ve worked out what your child needs, they’ll change.”
The strategy that worked last month suddenly does nothing. The child who used to talk to you now says “I don’t know.” A simple request somehow turns into a 20-minute argument, and you’re left wondering how asking someone to put their shoes on became this complicated.
You try being patient. You try consequences. You give them space. You talk it through. You try being firmer, then wonder if you were too firm. And somewhere in the middle of all that, you start thinking: Am I doing this wrong?
That’s the bit people don’t talk about enough. You can know your child better than anyone, love them more than anything, and still have absolutely no idea what to do next. There really is no parenting manual.
What Used to Work Might Not Work Anymore
One of the most frustrating parts of parenting is when the things that used to work suddenly stop working. Maybe your child used to listen when you set a consequence. Now they don’t seem to care. Maybe they used to talk to you about what was going on. Now everything is “I don’t know” or “leave me alone.” Maybe something that would have been a small issue six months ago now turns into a huge reaction.
It’s easy to think you need to double down. Be stricter. Explain it again. Add another consequence. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Kids change. School changes. Friendships change. Their need for independence gets bigger. Their emotions get more complicated. Sometimes the old approach just doesn’t fit the child standing in front of you anymore.
Sometimes the Behaviour Is Only the Bit We Can See
When your child is yelling, refusing, slamming doors, shutting down or speaking disrespectfully, of course you notice the behaviour first. And yes, sometimes you need to hold a boundary.
But there can be a lot going on underneath it. Anger might be covering anxiety. Refusal might come from feeling overwhelmed. “I don’t care” might actually mean “I care a lot and I don’t know how to deal with it.” Sometimes kids don’t even know why they’re reacting the way they are.
That doesn’t mean you let everything slide. You can understand what’s going on underneath and still hold the line. “You’re allowed to be angry with me. You’re not allowed to speak to me like that.” Both can be true.
You’re Not Going to Nail Every Response
Parenting advice can make it sound like there is a perfect response for every situation. Stay calm. Validate the feeling. Hold the boundary. Don’t lecture. Use a natural consequence. Reconnect afterwards.
Sounds great. Now try remembering all of that at 7:42 in the morning when someone has lost a shoe, someone else needs to leave for school, and the child in front of you is yelling because you asked them to brush their teeth.
Real parenting is messy. Sometimes you’ll get frustrated. Sometimes you’ll raise your voice. Sometimes you’ll give a consequence and realise five minutes later that it was probably a bit ridiculous.
You don’t need to get every moment right. Being able to come back later and say, “I didn’t handle that very well before. Can we try again?” can do a lot more than pretending you never get it wrong.
When You’ve Tried Everything You Can Think Of
A lot of parents reach a point where they’re just tired of having the same battle. The same meltdown. The same argument. The same school refusal. The same worry. The same door slam.
You’ve Googled it. You’ve tried different consequences. You’ve talked to friends. You’ve probably read a few parenting posts telling you twelve things you should be doing differently. And you’re still thinking: “What am I missing?”
That’s often the point where another set of eyes can help. Not because a counsellor has some secret parenting manual hidden away somewhere, but because when you’re living inside the same pattern every day, it can be hard to see what’s actually driving it.
Sometimes the most useful thing isn’t another parenting technique. It’s slowing things down, working out what’s happening underneath, and finding a different way to respond.
You Don’t Need Another Person Telling You What You’re Doing Wrong
A lot of parents who come to Lumi don’t need another list of things they should be doing. They’ve usually tried plenty already.
What they need is help making sense of what’s happening. Why does this keep turning into an argument? What is actually going on for my child? Why does this particular thing set them off? What could we try differently at home?
Sometimes that means working directly with the young person. Sometimes supporting the parent is just as important. Often it’s a bit of both.
Parenting really can feel like you’re making it up as you go. There might not be a manual, but you don’t have to keep guessing alone.
If you’ve reached the point where you’re thinking “I genuinely don’t know what else to try,” you can book a free Meet & Greet with me and we can have a chat about what’s been happening for your family.
