how do I get my teenager to counselling when they don’t want to go?

By Luke Mihail, Lumi Counselling - Geelong

You have finally found someone who might be able to help, but your teenager wants absolutely nothing to do with counselling. They might say, “I don’t need it,” “There’s nothing wrong with me,” “I’m not talking to some stranger,” or simply, “I’m not going.”

For parents, this can be incredibly frustrating. You can see that your teenager is struggling, but every attempt to offer support seems to create another argument. You may start wondering whether you should force them to attend, keep trying to convince them, or back away completely.

The answer is usually somewhere in the middle.

Start by understanding what they might be resisting.

When a teenager refuses counselling, it does not always mean they are refusing support. They may be resisting the idea that something is wrong with them, or they may worry that the counsellor will lecture them, take their parents’ side, ask intrusive questions or report everything they say back to their family.

Some teenagers also feel that counselling has been organised around them rather than with them. From their perspective, it can feel like a group of adults have decided that they are the problem and are now sending them away to be fixed. Even when that is not the parent’s intention, it may still be how the teenager experiences it.

Understanding this does not mean that you have to agree with their refusal. It simply helps you respond to what may be happening underneath it.

Avoid trying to sell counselling too hard.

When parents are worried, it is natural to start listing all the reasons counselling would be helpful. You might point out that they have been angry, withdrawing from the family, avoiding school or struggling to cope. The problem is that the harder you try to convince a reluctant teenager, the more strongly they may defend the opposite position.

They may start arguing that they are completely fine, even when part of them knows that they are not. The conversation quickly becomes less about whether support could help and more about proving the parent wrong.

Instead of trying to win the argument, show them that you understand why they are hesitant. You could say, “I can understand why you don’t want to talk to someone you’ve never met,” or, “You don’t have to agree with me that you need counselling. I would just like you to meet them and decide what you think.”

This does not mean giving up your role as the parent. It means lowering the pressure enough for your teenager to consider the idea without immediately feeling the need to fight against it.

Give them as much choice as possible

Teenagers are far more likely to engage when they feel that they have some control over what happens. They may not get to choose whether the family seeks support, but they can often have a say in how that support looks.

Where possible, let them read about the counsellor before attending, choose between in-person or online sessions, decide whether a parent stays in the room initially, or bring something to do while they talk. They should also be able to ask questions, say what they are not ready to discuss and give honest feedback about whether the counsellor feels like a good fit.

A teenager does not need to walk into the first session excited and ready to share their deepest feelings. The first goal may simply be helping them feel safe enough to come back.

Change how you describe the first appointment.

Calling it “therapy” or telling your teenager they are going to “work through their issues” can make the first session feel much bigger and more threatening than it needs to be. Instead, describe it as a chance to meet someone and see whether they are a good fit.

You might say, “You don’t have to commit to anything. Let’s meet them once and see what you think,” or, “The first appointment is not about forcing you to talk. It is just a chance to work out whether this person might be helpful.”

It can also help to tell your teenager that they are allowed to be honest. They can tell the counsellor that they do not want to be there. A good counsellor will not be offended by reluctance. In fact, they should expect it and know how to work with it.

Do not make your teenager perform in the first session.

Some teenagers arrive at counselling and answer every question with “I don’t know,” “Nothing,” or “I’m fine.” This can make parents anxious, particularly when they are paying for the session and desperately want the counsellor to understand what is happening.

However, answering questions is not the only sign of engagement. A teenager may need time to observe the counsellor, test whether they are trustworthy and work out whether counselling is another place where adults will pressure them.

The session may begin with football, gaming, music, drawing, humour or talking about something completely unrelated to the original concern. That is not necessarily wasted time. For a reluctant teenager, connection is often the work that makes the deeper work possible.

Be careful about what you say in front of them.

Parents will usually need to provide some background, but it is important that the teenager does not feel discussed as though they are not in the room. Long lists of everything that has gone wrong can leave them feeling embarrassed, blamed or exposed.

Before the session, ask the counsellor whether there is a way to share some background information privately. During the appointment, try to use neutral language. Instead of saying, “He is angry all the time and refuses to do anything we ask,” you might say, “We have noticed there has been more tension at home, and I think all of us would like things to feel easier.”

The goal is not to minimise the concern. It is to communicate it without turning the first session into a case against your teenager.

Explain confidentiality clearly.

Many teenagers assume that everything they say in counselling will immediately be repeated to their parents. This can make honest conversation almost impossible.

A counsellor should explain confidentiality in clear, age-appropriate language, including the circumstances where information may need to be shared because of a serious safety concern. Parents can support this by showing that they respect the teenager’s privacy.

That may mean resisting the urge to ask, “What did you talk about?” or “Did you tell them about school?” A better question might be, “How did it feel talking with them?” or, “Do you think you could work with them?”

Your teenager may not tell you much after the session. That does not necessarily mean it was unsuccessful.

Focus on their goals, not only yours.

Parents and teenagers often arrive with completely different ideas about what needs to change. A parent may want better school attendance, less arguing or improved motivation. The teenager may want adults to stop nagging them, fewer fights at home or help dealing with a friendship problem.

Both perspectives matter. Counselling becomes more useful when the teenager can identify something they would like to be different, even if it is not the same goal the parent originally had in mind.

A counsellor might ask, “What would make coming here slightly less annoying?” “What do adults keep getting wrong about you?” or, “If counselling was actually useful, what would be different?” These questions give the teenager a chance to shape the support rather than simply receiving an adult-designed plan.

Should you force your teenager to go?

There is no single answer that applies to every family. In situations involving serious safety concerns, significant mental health deterioration or risk of harm, parents may need to make firm decisions and seek professional support even when their teenager objects.

In other situations, repeatedly forcing attendance can increase resentment and make counselling feel like a punishment. A balanced approach may involve asking your teenager to attend one or two appointments before deciding what happens next.

You can hold the boundary while still acknowledging their feelings. You might say, “I hear that you don’t want to go. I’m asking you to attend the first session because I’m concerned about you. You do not have to pretend to like it, and you can be honest with the counsellor about how you feel.”

This is different from demanding that they open up, cooperate or agree that counselling is necessary.

What if they still refuse?

Sometimes the best starting point is parent support. Parents can meet with a counsellor to better understand what may be happening, change unhelpful patterns at home and learn how to respond without escalating the situation.

A teenager does not always need to be the first person in the family to attend counselling for things to begin improving. When the pressure drops and the family environment starts to change, some teenagers become more willing to participate later.

Counselling for reluctant teenagers in Geelong.

At Lumi Counselling, teenagers are not expected to walk into the room ready to talk about their feelings. The first priority is building trust, reducing pressure and giving them a genuine say in what counselling looks like.

Sometimes the first session involves talking. Sometimes it involves an activity, a game or simply working out what the teenager does not want counselling to become. That is still a meaningful place to begin.

If your teenager is struggling but refuses counselling, you do not have to keep fighting the same argument at home.

Book your free meet and greet with Lumi Counselling in Geelong to discuss what is happening and whether counselling, parent support or another approach may be the right next step for your family.