Good Parent or Bad Parent? Connection vs Boundaries
By Luke Mihail, Lumi Counselling, Geelong
A lot of parents I speak to at Lumi carry this quiet question around with them: Am I being a good parent, or am I getting this completely wrong? I see it on their faces all the time. Not because they do not care, but because they care so much. They are trying to make the right call in moments that are messy, emotional and happening in real time.
It usually shows up in the hard moments. Your child refuses school. Your teenager shuts down when you try to talk. A screen gets taken away and the whole house erupts. Your child is crying, yelling, avoiding, arguing, or melting down, and suddenly you are trying to parent in the middle of chaos. Do I move closer, or do I hold the line? Do I soften, or do I stay firm? Do I give them space, or am I letting them avoid something they need to face?
That is the tension so many parents live in. Connection vs boundaries. And it can feel like whichever one you choose, you are getting something wrong. If you focus on connection, you might worry you are being too soft. You might wonder if you are letting behaviour slide, or teaching your child that big reactions get them out of hard things. But if you focus on boundaries, you might worry you are being too harsh. You might wonder if your child feels misunderstood, rejected, or like their emotions do not matter.
I hear versions of this all the time before, during and after sessions. Parents will say things like, “I don’t want to crush him,” or “I don’t want her to think she can just get away with it,” or “I feel like whatever I do, I’m making it worse.” And honestly, I get why parents feel that way. Parenting is rarely as clean as the advice makes it sound. It is one thing to talk about boundaries when everyone is calm. It is another thing when you are running late, your child is escalating, your own stress is rising, and the same issue has come up again.
The truth is, kids need both. They need connection. They need to feel seen, heard, understood and safe. They need to know that when their emotions get big, the relationship is still there. But they also need boundaries. They need structure, limits, expectations and follow-through. They need to learn that feelings are valid, but behaviour still has impact.
A child can be anxious and still need support to take the next step. A teenager can be angry and still need to speak respectfully. A young person can be overwhelmed and still need a steady adult who helps bring the moment back into safety and structure. Connection without boundaries can become rescuing. Boundaries without connection can become control. But when both are held together, something steadier can happen.
3 quick tips for parents
1. Name the feeling, then hold the line
Try saying, “I can see you’re really upset, and the answer is still no.” Or, “I know this feels unfair, and the screen is still going off.” This helps your child feel seen without making the boundary disappear.
2. Keep the boundary short and calm
In the middle of a heated moment, long lectures usually do not land. They often give the argument more oxygen. Keep it simple: “Screens are finished for tonight.” “School is still happening.” “I’ll talk when your voice is calmer.” You do not have to win the whole case in that moment. You just need to stay steady enough that the boundary holds.
3. Repair after the moment
When things have settled, come back to it. Not with shame. Not with a courtroom-style breakdown of everything they did wrong. Just a simple, curious conversation. “That got pretty big before. What was going on for you?” or “I know that was hard. Next time, what could we try instead?” Repair teaches your child that hard moments do not break the relationship.
This is a big part of how I work at Lumi. I do not believe in just sitting across from a young person and throwing strategies at them. Sometimes the work happens through a game. Sometimes it happens while drawing something out on the whiteboard. Sometimes it happens while building, moving, laughing, or using something visual that helps a young person finally put words to what has been sitting underneath. But underneath all of that is the same goal: helping kids feel safe enough to open up, while also helping them build the tools they need to grow.
AI work with kids, teenagers and families who are often stuck in these exact patterns. A lot of the young people I see are not “bad kids.” They are often kids who are anxious, angry, overwhelmed, shut down, sensitive, avoidant, impulsive, or just stuck without the tools to explain what is happening inside them. And a lot of the parents I meet are not bad parents either. They are tired parents. Worried parents. Parents who are trying to love their child well while also trying to keep the house from running on chaos, guilt and emotional explosions.
That is why I care so much about involving parents in the process. Kids do not grow in isolation. What happens in the counselling room matters, but what happens around the kitchen bench, in the car, at bedtime, before school, and after the blow-up matters too. My hope is that families leave Lumi with a clearer map, better language, practical tools, and a bit more hope that things can shift.
The goal is not to make parents perfect. The goal is to help families find a steadier way forward. A way where kids feel understood, but not excused from growth. A way where parents feel supported, not judged. A way where connection and boundaries can sit together. Because sometimes your child does not need you to choose between being warm or being firm. Sometimes they need both.
If your child or teenager is struggling, or if you feel stuck in the same patterns at home, Lumi can help.
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